Vipes, I like this girl who is my ideal dream girl. Pretty, smart (Harvard grad), has a high-paying job and parents who are well-off. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman but I’m too insecure to go after her. Sometimes I wonder what would she need me for? She has it all. What should I do?

Okay, first of all… you don’t want a girl who *needs* you anyways. You want a girl who *wants* to be with you. Neediness of any kind is a sure sign to start running. Fast.

That being said.. if you feel insecure to go after her, then your chances are pretty low as it is. Women can smell insecurity, and generally find it unattractive. Does it mean your reasons for being insecure are valid? Not at all. But the way you see yourself, IS.

So adjust yourself mentally, and find a way for her to know you are interested. If you are concerned that she is the type who will laugh at you, then she’s not a nice person, and you shouldn’t be attracted to her in the first place. No guarantees it will be reciprocal, but so what.. you might as well try.

And always remember The Vipertongue Protocol: never pursue, persuade, or persist.

Kalau bola sudah disana, then let it be. If it doesn’t come back to you, let it go and say “NEXT!”

Hi Vipey, saya perempuan umur 20an. Belakangan keluarga & kerabat sering ceramah soal ‘berkeluarga’. Berkeluarga diasosiasikan dengan pencapaian hidup. Jujur saya capek dan kadang merasa terbebani. Apa semua ceramah itu benar karna sayang atau sebatas memaksakan pandangan mereka saja?

My guess is.. it’s 30 percent kasih sayang / genuine concern, and 70 percent “nanti apa kata saudara dan tetangga.”

But I must say, I get questions like this a lot.. and I can’t help feeling that replying to you is a lost cause.

Why?

Because in the end, you will all get married.

For all the “ih ih ngga deh ngapain sih nikah plis deh I’m too cool for school ntar gw adopsi aja gw sih pengen bebas komitmen apaan tuh liat aja banyak yang cerai gw ga butuh cowok ngapain plis deh ih ih ih”…

… you WILL get married.

So yeah.. sudahlaaah.

Dri, i feel lonely. Is online dating even worth a shot? At finding orang yang *ga usah muluk-muluk* enak di ajak ngobrol aja? As in, nyambung?

Kalau urusan nyambung dan enak ngobrol sih mendingan cari di Twitter atau ask.fm. You can read the person’s thoughts that go back years, with no audience in particular. On dating sites like OkCupid, all you know is what that person wrote on a template profile with the singular purpose of looking and sounding good.

“Ya kan di Twitter dan ask.fm kan banyak yang pencitraan juga…”

Well, if you can’t “read” people well enough from how they write over years… then I suggest you stick to minta dikenalin oleh temen dan saudara.

tidak pernah ada pressure dri keluarga utk menikah? im now 21, but this marriage thingy somehow haunts me really bad cos I also don’t want to marry anyone. my family is quite harsh tho, I just cant think clearly

“Pressure” sih ngga; maybe just a friendly suggestion every now and then. But then again, I’ve reached that age where people have simply given up asking. Hey, fine by me… I’m starting to run out of witty replies to give them. 🙂

“I also don’t want to marry anyone.” Man, I’d be a rich man if I got a penny for every time I get this statement on ask.fm. You just don’t want to marry anyone YET. Trust me, you will completely forget whatever haunts you now you’ll go down that normie berkubang menggelora road, and you will end up EXACTLY like everyone else.

And guess what.. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong or uncool or unhip about falling in love, getting married, and sharing your life with someone.

Trust me, you’re just as mainstream as everyone else.

You just don’t know it yet.

Vipey I have a feeling that my husband is cheating on me. He started coming so late at night and I could smell a woman’s perfume on his collar. I asked him directly and he said no. I told him I trusted him and asked no further questions. But this itchy feeling of anxiety couldn’t leave. What to do?

By sending this question to me, you obviously don’t trust him. Frankly speaking, neither would I. I think we both know that he doesn’t have a good explanation for it. On the other hand, I’m not sure if I’m the right person to ask as I haven’t been in a monogamous relationship for years.

So what to do?

a.) If it has only happened once, let him know that YOU know, and let it slide. One day you’ll khilaf and have sex with some guy, and hopefully he will let it slide too.

b.) If it seems to be habitual, as in Selingkuh Masif Terstruktur Dan Sistematis, then confront him about it. Not with anger (as difficult as it is), but with intent to solve whatever marital problems you two might have. Who knows, maybe it’s just a matter of sex. Talk about it, figure it out, solve it. (Though be warned, men will sleep around regardless.)

c.) If he denies denies denies and it still continues, then the burden of decision is on you. Either you leave him (dengan segala konsekuensinya), or

d.) stay and do what the average Indonesian Housewife does: Swallow it, and go on Facebook and post stuff like “harus ikhlas… bersabar.. pasrah.. demi anak2 lah.. semoga Tuhan membalas..” For the rest of your life.

Vipey, I’d say that I’m brilliant at many things: my GPA is almost perfect, I can do many sports, I have brilliant skills on photo&design, also prioritize my edu & future. But I’m sick of people who always say this to me, “Lo klo kurusan cakep deh.” Yes I’m overweight, but errgh why people do that?

Honestly, I think they say it because they truly think so. Bear in mind that if you have absolutely no potential of cakep-ness, they wouldn’t mention it at all. But no, it does not make right to say it to your face.

What bothers me the most about people who say such things, is that smug assumption that WE have no opinions about THEM. Of course we do; we’re just polite enough to leave it unsaid.

Hi Vipey, I lost both of my parents. My mom passed away in 2006 and my dad 5 months after that. And now I can remember less about them. Im afraid that someday I cant remember anything about them. Ever feel the same? -SL

It depends on how old you were in 2006. I lost my dad sixteen years ago, and my sister five years ago, but I still vividly remember exactly how they were. Well, both also had very strong unforgettable personalities.. so that might contribute to my memories. I also noticed that over the years, I tend to quote the little things they said, or tell my friends funny stories about them.

So if you are worried about not remembering them, I suggest you write down those “little things” in a private blog. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or detailed; just little snippets that stayed with you after their passing. An online scrapbook of memories, of sort. It might come in handy when you have your own kids one day, to show them where they came from.

Vipey, kenapa mencari pekerjaan itu sulit ya? Daftar, tes, FGD, interview sana-sini, di mana-mana, gagal terus. Maaf ini curhatan sampah banget, but this made me feel like I’m a failure. Semacam “apa sih yg saya bisa, apa-apa gagal terus”. Sorry Vipey, but I just need to get this shit out of my head

Sebagai pengusaha, anehnya yang paling sulit bagi saya adalah mencari pegawai. Dan bukan dari segi hard skills, pengalaman, atau pendidikan… tapi murni di urusan sikap, keinginan untuk belajar, dan menghadapi tantangan.

And you know what.. if I talk to my other friends who run businesses, they say exactly the same thing. I’m not sure where the disconnect is, but you have to realize that we read hundreds of CVs a year, and interview several dozens. How do you set yourself apart from the others with similar CVs? Prove that you are eager to improve yourself as person, whatever the job is. Prove that if met with challenges or difficulties or conflicts with co-workers, ngga akan “mau sekolah lagi/bantuin usaha ortu.” Prove that you have what it takes to “stick with it” and learn as much as you can along the way, tanpa banyak excuses or “ini kan ngga sesuai pendidikan saya.”

Tau sih, reply beginian sudah pasti akan banyak sanggahan sana-sini. But I am merely stating a fact, and how it is from an employer’s perspective. So yeah, everytime I complain about “susah cari pegawai”, please don’t say “lho kan begitu banyak yang cari pekerjaan”, because in the real world there is no correlation between the two.

What do you think about parents who body shame their kids (either too fat, too skinny, too short, too tall, etc) and justified it by saying that they care?

I think society and the media already body-shames us enough, so the idea that there are parents that blatantly do the same just blows my mind. So if our own parents can’t instill self-esteem in us, what hope do we have? I’ve heard it often; yang ortunya nyuruh ke weight clinic, suruh potong gusi, ke skin clinic, suruh reconstructive surgery. Padahal yang punya muka/tubuh tidak merasa bermasalah.

So why do some parents do that? Because the prettier their daughter, the higher the probability she will snag a wealthy man… who in turn bisa menaikkan “harkat dan martabat keluarga” through marriage. So in a way, the daughter is used as a pawn for their own interest. Is that “caring”? I can’t say… but that ain’t the definition in my own parenting book.

To you women out there who have parents like this, they would NEVER admit that this is their motive. But mark my words: this is what it’s all about. After all, it’s MUCH easier to invest in PAP-worthy physical looks, than raising a daughter who is desirable to men based on her character and intelligence alone.

What do you think i should do when my parents are often fighting in front of me and my brother? I’ve been growing up with a difficult environment like this and i can’t take it anymore. These things affect us so much in a negative way, like trust issues, mental anxiety, etc. I need help.

When they are not fighting, sit them down and calmly tell them how their fighting affects you and your brother. You’d be surprised how clueless some parents can be on how their behaviour affects their children. Tell them that if they can’t work out their differences, so be it. But whatever it is, they should keep it compartmentalized, and not fight in front of you. Neither should they use you as pawns.

Kalau orangtua yang dewasa sih harusnya paham ya; as it is general consensus that whatever happens, the welfare of the children should always comes first.

And yes, I know this is much easier said than done. In general, we don’t sit down and set the terms for our own parents. But in this case, it’s necessary and it should be done.