What’s your opinion on monogamy? Do you think being with one person for a long term is ideal and something everyone should strive for?

Personally I think monogamy is more of a social construct, and not a biological imperative. That being said, the only ideals a person should strive for are what makes him/her happy, with all things considered. And before the haters start going into a rage… yes, that INCLUDES monogamy.

Masalahnya kan itu.. so many people go through life on default mode, without thinking through what works for them, and end up subscribing to whatever society deems “correct.” If you never sit down and think about what makes you personally happy, then you’ll accept and blindly follow whatever society shoves upon you. Before you know it, you’ve wasted most of your life living by other people’s ideals.

So whichever way you swing… just make sure it’s a path that is of your own choosing.

I just found out that my bf for 4 years hides the fact he’s married before & have kid. He said he lost all the sparks after married for 2 years, so he left his wife, start dating me one year later, and he’s happy with me. Relationship is all nice tho, but from the men’s POV, can I trust this guy?

Whenever I hear things like this, I try to put myself in the guy’s shoes and genuinely try to understand why. You should ask yourself why he hid the fact about his family (assuming you weren’t just pretending not to know).

To lose sparks after two years of marriage doesn’t make him a bad person (albeit low emotional intelligence perhaps), so why should he keep it a secret? Unless there is more to the story than he is letting on.

But here is the kicker: what kind of man denies or hides his own child, -his own flesh and blood-, for FOUR years, from someone he claims to be happy with? And more importantly, what kind of woman would stay with such a (lesser) man and still ask “can I trust this guy?”

hi there can i get your pov? do you believe that all men cheat? is it true that ALL men have that nature? i kinda scare of marriage, if i found a man who’s secretly into open relationship and turns out couldn’t be faithful to me.

I’m going to skip your questions, as I can’t presume to know what most men are like. Besides, I’d still like to live a few more years, thank you very much.

So instead, I’ll go direct to your statement “i kinda scare of marriage.” Well, put it this way.. right now, at this moment, you think that a husband cheating is an Extinction Level Event. But my guess is, once you’re married, you’ll consider it just one of the “costs of doing business.”

Does it suck? Sure. But think of the alternatives of NOT getting married: dying alone, diomongin keluarga, dianggap ngga laku, tidak ada yg support, tidak punya anak, ngga ada yang beliin handbag, and the soul-crushing loneliness.

So yes, it’s simply the cost of doing business… and not the Extinction Level Event you perceive it to be now.

So you learn to live with it, and you learn to accept it. And hey, you may do it yourself on the side. Nothing makes you morally superior to him. A Facebook flirt here, a Tinder match there… I can go on.

Now regarding “if i found a man who’s secretly into open relationship”, I have a few things to say:

Why is it that those men who CLAIM to be in a so-called “open relationship” must always be CAUGHT first, before making the revelation? If a person is truly in a mutual and consensual open-relationship, he would be honest about it from the very beginning. To ALL parties involved.

Short of that, I consider the guy just another lesser man; a douchebag making excuses.

Vipey I have a feeling that my husband is cheating on me. He started coming so late at night and I could smell a woman’s perfume on his collar. I asked him directly and he said no. I told him I trusted him and asked no further questions. But this itchy feeling of anxiety couldn’t leave. What to do?

By sending this question to me, you obviously don’t trust him. Frankly speaking, neither would I. I think we both know that he doesn’t have a good explanation for it. On the other hand, I’m not sure if I’m the right person to ask as I haven’t been in a monogamous relationship for years.

So what to do?

a.) If it has only happened once, let him know that YOU know, and let it slide. One day you’ll khilaf and have sex with some guy, and hopefully he will let it slide too.

b.) If it seems to be habitual, as in Selingkuh Masif Terstruktur Dan Sistematis, then confront him about it. Not with anger (as difficult as it is), but with intent to solve whatever marital problems you two might have. Who knows, maybe it’s just a matter of sex. Talk about it, figure it out, solve it. (Though be warned, men will sleep around regardless.)

c.) If he denies denies denies and it still continues, then the burden of decision is on you. Either you leave him (dengan segala konsekuensinya), or

d.) stay and do what the average Indonesian Housewife does: Swallow it, and go on Facebook and post stuff like “harus ikhlas… bersabar.. pasrah.. demi anak2 lah.. semoga Tuhan membalas..” For the rest of your life.

Halo Om Vipey, tulisan om tentang perselingkuhan membuat saya ketakutan untuk menikah. Buat apa nikah kalo eventually bakal begitu? :”)

Because when marriage works… it works. And yes, it’s happiness ever after.

But in SOME cases mungkin memang dianggap trade-off yang layak ya. Ngga apa2 kok merem dikit.. asal ada pasangan, pas sekarat ada yang nemenin, ada yang menuruskan keturunan, ada yang nemenin di hari tua, memenuhi harapan keluarga dan masyarakat, dan tuntutan agama. (Hey man, I didn’t make those up… I just repeat what I hear.)

Who am I to say that’s not a fair trade-off? I can’t use my personal standards for others.

What is life if not a series of compromises? 🙂

I totally agree about your answer to that cheated husband, that’s why women should be indepedent although she’s married. IMO My neighbor do that too, she couldn’t do anything bout her husband so she act like nothing happened. (Walaupun hati ke iris-iris liat suaminya pulang pagi terus)

Yeah well.. if you’re married for years, kayaknya capek juga ya kalau always “in a state of readiness” dimana harus selalu siap meninggalkan suami. It sounds easy on paper.. but when things are good and “dia kalo lagi baeq, baeeeeeq banget”, ngga akan mikirin.

Dan itu belum lagi considering all the tricks that men do to make the wife DEPENDENT on him, either emotionally or financially. It’s the little things over the years: “ngga usah kerja lah, anak2 harus ada yang ngurus” or “jangan sering keluar2 lah, kan ngga enak keliatannya.” Throw in kids to the mix, and he has the wife wrapped around his finger… however poorly he treats her.

Oh wait, “tapi kalo lagi baeq, baeeeq banget.” 🙂

Vipey my sister was cheated by her husband, they have kids btw. She confronted him about it and he said it was a khilaf moment & promise to not repeat. Guess what, he did it again. Well, what is your stance on this matter? divorce is her main option now but on the other hand she got kids to think about

Remember when you were in your early 20’s, masih kuliah, and girls said things like “Kalo laki gue sampe selingkuh, GUE CERAI!” Remember that? Okay, now fast forward six years. Those same girls have been married 4 or 6 years, and now have two kids.

Terus suaminya selingkuh.

Dengan masif, terstruktur, dan sistematis.

So.. is she going to say “GUE CERAI!”? I doubt it. She’s been out of the job market for the past 5 years, she has two kids to feed, she can’t move back in with her parents, and… honestly speaking, her prospects of finding a replacement for her douchebag husband ain’t that high anymore.

And guess what? The husband KNOWS this.

Does he love her? Yes.

Does he love the kids? Yes.

Is he a good father? Yes.

But does it mean it will stop any further “khilaf”? Of course not. Why should he?

Because he knows it, and she knows it, that at the end of the day: “Ok, gue ketauan selingkuh… trus, lo mau apa?”

So much for “Kalo laki gue sampe selingkuh, GUE CERAI!”, eh. Easy to say that when you’re in your early 20’s with no tanggungan and still bright-eyed after wisuda.

Jadi, gimana dong? What is a woman to do; yang tidak bisa membiayai anak2nya, tidak bisa pulang ke rumah ortu, tidak punya social life, dan oleh ortunya sendiri tidak boleh cerai karena urusan “harkat dan martabat keluarga”?

Do what the average Indonesian married woman does: go on Facebook and post cryptic curhat stuff like “harus ikhlas, bersabar, biar Tuhan yang membalas.”

Are all men like this? Ngga sih. Tapi bedanya gini: kalau di luar negeri ada alimony and child support. If you can prove in a court of law kalau suami selingkuh (yup, termasuk pay for sex), he will be hit by alimony and child support so hard bisa2 dia harus likuidasi semua assetnya. And if he doesn’t pay, he’ll go to jail for it. So that’s why pria2 di US atau Eropa mikir tujuh keliling sebelum selingkuh, DAN mikir tujuh keliling sebelum MARRIED. As in “if I cannot remain faithful to this woman, I will not get married.”

Kalau cowok Indonesia? “Married sih married, Dri… tapi ya namanya juga cowok lah, Dri… *wink wink*” Basically, Indonesian men have nothing to lose.

So for women who cannot support her own kids or live with the janda stigma, dan kebetulan bersuamikan douchebag yang selingkuh membahana, there really is no way she will come out on top. So she learns to accept it, and live with it.

#fact

vipey, i’ve found my husband have a facebook fake account yg isinya ce2 dari spa, panti pijet n club.. sebelumnya uda ketauan dari hp 1 nya n uda di delete ga pake lg.. skrg keulang lg bikin fake account fb yg nge block email saya biar ga bs dibuka dari account saya. really need your advise. thanks

Pertama2, saya tidak mengecilkan masalah kamu, dan juga tidak mau kedengeran sinis atau ngegampangin. But the fact of the matter is this: he’s not going to change. Kamu mau usaha seperti apapun untuk delete dan blok, atau ngomel2 kayak gimana juga.. he will ALWAYS find a way. Never underestimate how resourceful men are when it comes to urusan selingkuh or urusan PSK. In matters like this, even dumbest guy will become MacGyver. That is how motivated they are.

I repeat.. I’m not being cynical or ngegampangin. But honestly, I don’t know what it is you can do to stop him. I know firsthand how far men will go for porn and sex (paid or not). Mau single or married, ya sama aja. Tapi biasanya kalau married men, cenderung lebih banyak urusan paid sex… karena less complications. Do it, done, ngga ada ekses. Kalau suka sama suka, ada resiko ekses dan berkepanjangan. And yes, its ALWAYS the menantu idaman / anak gereja / sholeh types who do this. Again, this is something that most women are SO clueless about.

Yes, you may ngomel2 and check HP-nya. Maybe he’ll stop for a month. But what stops him from making another account? Or deleting history? Or having another phone for that purpose? What if he owns two of the SAME phone so you don’t notice? Or install dan reinstall setiap pergi dan pulang ke rumah? Where is he during lunch hour? Nunggu 3 in 1? The truth is, you’ll never know. I wish I could be of more help.

(22/F) Less than a year relationship – my significant other cheated on me and had sex with a hooker. I was purely disgusted, because I thought we knew this was an exclusively monogamous relationship. But he deeply regrets it and said he wanted to change for the better. What’s your take on this?

Let me guess… he’s the menantu idaman / good boy type, right? Guess what.. that’s how they roll.

“Oh not MY boyfriend.. he’s an anak gereja/baik2” Well, guess again. If there is ONE thing that most women are blissfully (and LAUGHABLY) unaware of, is how often *those types* pay for sex. Especially asian males with conservative backgrounds. Does it mean you should accept it? Not at all. But if you think it will never happen again, all I can say is… good luck on that.

Or, you could just date those so-called “bad boys”. They don’t pay for sex.

Why? Because they don’t have to.

About the “shouldnt tolerate cheating”. Well dude, dont you think women could cut some slack for certain cases. I mean you know the perks of staying single,boys will be boys thats for sure,so that committed guy could be just “taking a break”.

I guess you are right, dude.

So that means you’ll cut your girl some slack for grinding on top of some guy while moaning his name, right? As she’s probably just “taking a break” from her commitment to you. No biggie.

I mean, it’s not like you think -just because we are men- that we have special male privileges in the matter.

Of course not.

Only Lesser Men think they have special privileges over women.

We’re not Lesser Men.