What is wrong with Sundanese food, you ask.
Son, let me tell you what is wrong with Sundanese “food”.
*stretching* *cracking knuckles*
Let’s start with the soto. I assume you are
familiar with the varieties of sotos from all regions of Indonesia. Soto
Makassar, Betawi, Sulung, what have you. The symphony of spices, various types
of meats, cellophane noodles, coconut milk, and vegetables.
Okay. Have you SEEN Soto Bandung?
Seriously, man… it’s such a poor excuse for a soup, it has no business
calling itself soto. How could they boil slices of lobak and tetelan daging
into fucking kecap water and call dare call it soto?
Oh, and that whole “lalaban segar” crap? Look at that stuff. It looks and tastes like plants that grew under your porch and you aren’t even supposed to eat. And plis deh, don’t give me this “raw food movement” excuse. There’s a thin line between “I eat healthy raw food” and “I have absolutely no creativity to turn these plants into something edible.”
Ayam goreng. Tempe goreng. Babat goreng. Ikan goreng. Do we see a pattern here? Fer chrissakes, man. (“Iya tapi kan ada gepuk” One more word from you and I’m shoving this pepes jeroan down your throat.)
Now, take some rice and wrap it in banana leaves, put in some of that fried stuff here and there, and you can even call it a new dish entirely. Nasi Timbel. For what? The additional banana leaf?!
And take a moment to consider the various
things you consider when reviewing a restaurant. I’m sure you can come up with
a dozen points, right? Now ask someone about their favorite sundanese restaurant,
and ask them why they like it. I’ll bet you my left ampela the best they will come
up with is:
“Nasinya pulen, sambalnya enak.”
How did we ever come to this? How did our standards in the culinary arts ever sink to such lows?
Am I done? No, I’m not. Why? Because I want
to tell you about nasi tutug oncom.
For those of you who do not know what nasi
tutug oncom is, it’s leftover rice mixed up with leftover oncom and put on a
piece of fucking krupuk. Need I remind you that the krupuk is melempem?
Nasi tutug oncom doesn’t even deserve a
*name*. That’s a dish that I would have made when I was 6 years old when nobody
was home and ended up feeding it to my puppy that sniffed it and left home to
never come back.
Are these the standards we want to pass down to our children?
A legacy of jambal roti and ulukutek leunca?
I think not, my man.
Not on my watch.