Random Non Sequiturs 8

Just because you put “lagi narsis!” as a caption to your picture does not negate that that you are, in fact, narcissistic.

Ever notice that Mickey Mouse’ ears always face towards you, no matter which way he turns?  How freaky is a giant gloved rat with swivelling ears, eh?

What’s the difference between fashionistas and foodies?  Foodies don’t assume they can easily be professional chefs simply because they like to eat.  “Secara, gw kan fashion blogger en suka gambar-gambar baju, geto lowh!”

If your date ever applies words “enak”, “lucu”, and “rame” respectively to music, clothing, and movies…  you know what to do.  By God, man.. you know what to do.

Signs it’s (Definitely) The Wrong Band #21: There are more than 7 people on stage, you see bongo drums and maracas, the bass guitar is strapped high in the guy’s armpits, and the lead singer is a Skinny Guy in a Hat.  And if they start playing Incognito, Toto, Manhattan Transfer, or Kool and the Gang… dude, you’re pretty much dead in the water. May God have mercy on your soul and eardrums.

Sometimes, but just sometimes, the two singers in shorts and boots on either side of the Skinny Guy make it all… so… worth… it….

If you are that “me-so-budayawan” guy who wears batik/ikat sarongs to society parties, you may think you look like hip and cultured, but in fact you just look like you were circumcized about twenty-five years too late.

There is a very thin line between “kekeluargaan” and “just plain nosey”.

Life is too short to earn a living doing something you wouldn’t do for free.

If you are ever invited to be a speaker, you can always spot the ITB alumnis in the audience.  Just look for the ones sitting with arms folded, slouched with sandal-gunung’d feet splayed out, tilted head, eyeing you with that skeptical “I am so much smarter than you” expression. Which, of course, explains why my highschool-educated ass is standing up here, and your ITB-educated ass is sitting down there.

Real men cry at the final scene of “First Blood Part I”.

No, I don’t care how you spin it, sometimes there is no “hikmah” to be taken, okay?  Sometimes things really do just suck and that’s just the plain end of it.

If she says she has been to busy to talk to you lately, there is a 84.68% chance that she actually is.  With another guy.

Nothing makes a woman age faster than wearing little polkadots.  Even more so if she actually refers to them as “bolletjes.”

If you ask your date what she did on New Year’s Eve and she says “refleksi dan merenung”, well..  enough said.

Be a man.  Be a man and dress like one. No sagging jeans.  No white shoes with thin soles. No retro sneakers with red laces.  No surfer, skate, or satiric logo t-shirts.  No Pete Wentz haircut.  No slouching and foot dragging.  No dorky white plastic glasses.  No european designer manbags.  No pink polo shirts.  No Sour Sally in public.  Stand up straight and walk with confidence.  Wear shirts and jeans that fit properly.  Shoes with soles thicker than your thumb.  A watch thicker than your index finger.  A tattoo that counts.  A leather belt with a buckle so heavy you could bludgeon another man to death with.  Come on, grow a pair and dress like you are worthy of them.   And if you can’t do that, well… you can always work in advertising.

My father always wondered, why do the cultures with strong beliefs in the afterlife are always the ones that wail hysterically when someone dies?

Never trust food reviews that include any of the following phrases: “aduhai”, “lidah bergoyang”, or “amboi lezatnya”. I’m not even gonna say that “M” word.

If we are introduced, and I am courteous enough to ask what you do for a living, please be kind enough to give me a straight answer.  Sengak-ibukota replies such as “kuli korporat, pembokatnya bos, maksiat, jongos, kutukupret periklanan, kacung” or “ya gitu deeeh” are not funny, cute, nor witty.  So unless you are in a lenong betawi, please understand this:  I don’t actually care what your job is, I’m just asking out of politeness sake.

Under no circumstances should a man ever have the word “gokil” applied to him. And if you ever come across such a man, you know what to do with your belt buckle.

No, I have no wishes for The Little One to grow up and be berguna bagi nusa, bangsa, agama, dan orangtua.  I just want her to have contentment and peace of mind, and all that other delusional crap will pretty much fall into place. Though keep in mind that the Spanish Inquisition was, by any definition, berguna for their agama. But for the native american indians?  Probably not so much, dude.

Any man worth his chest-hair should watch at least one David Mamet movie during his lifetime.  I suggest starting out with “Glengarry Glen Ross”.

And no, that “North Sea Jazz Festival” poster you have on your wall does *not* make you look cool.


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