Random Non Sequiturs 6

The next time someone tells me to “Ambil hikmahnya saja, yan..”, I have a pretty clear idea where I plan to shove it after I have taken it.

Based on an an informal survey, I have come to the conclusion that women who listen to Il Divo do not necessarily listen to Pavarotti or Bocelli.  Now I must say, this phenomena completely eludes me…

Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable to gesek almost a month’s salary for the latest Blackberry just so you can check your milis-cosmo messages and who poked you on Facebook. Or if you happen to work for MR-eh?, make that 3 months salary. *kevlar vest on and siap kabur*

If you are at a karaoke with your date and she starts singing “I Will Survive” with her eyes closed and penuh penghayatan, slowly stand up, step away, and run for your life. But then again, if you would actually take your date to a karaoke, well..  let’s just leave it at that, shall we?

You know a movie is gonna suck big-time if it has a contrived dysfunctional family in it, is reviewed as “whimsical and delightful”, and stars a precocious actress that every Polaroid-snapping Aksara Hag aspires to be.

Cool name for a chinese restaurant: “Cumgorped (d/h Cumi Goreng Pedas)”

If she says “he’s actually a nice guy if you get to know him better”, you can assume he is wealthy. And if he says “she’s actually quite smart but she just doesn’t show it”, you can assume she is hot.

When most of the spam in your inbox is about debt consolidation and not penis enlargement, you know we’re definitely in a recession.

The other day, a friend messaged me: “Heran ga sih, orang-orang pada percaya buku The Secret?  Buku paling idiot.”   My reply was: “Yeah well… I happen know a few other books that are just as idiotic, and with more believers pula…”

You know you’ve been visiting Bandung too often if you consider “zuppa zuppa” to be the highest form of culinary achievement.  And you seriously don’t wanna get me started on those frickin’ brownies….

And if you do come to Bandung, please do not ask me where to go clubbing.  Why?  Because I am sick and tired of getting that proverbial SMS at 3am saying “aduh driii…. crowd / DJ / tempatnya koq ga happening/ok/hip gene seeeeeh…. i miss Dragonfly… huhuhuhuhu…”

And while we are on the subject:  You know you have been living in Jakarta too long when you instinctively know that simple question of “lu suka clubbing dimana?” is a loaded with socio-economic connotations.

I was having drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe at EX the other night and had to go to the men’s room.  But instead of the usual male / female signage, one door had a picture of Marilyn Monroe on it, and the other door had George Michael. Frankly, I couldn’t figure out which one was the men’s room.

You know you work in advertising if you have ever used “itu ‘kan maunya klien” as an excuse.  Fine, now sit back and watch me perform Vivaldi on my air Stradivarius.

Move to Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it acceptable to go to music concerts of artists you don’t even normally listen to, just so you can post pictures of  you and your friends on Facebook the following day.

Wanna know what I hated about living all on my own?  Was it waking up to a lonely silence every morning?  Or was it being greeted by a dark and empty house when you come home in the evening?  Actually, no.  The worst part was opening your fridge every day and knowing exactly what was going to be in there. No surprises, ever.

Oh, except for that one time when I had a years-old jar of mayonnaise in the back of the fridge.   I think it waved at me.

Sure, it might be idiotic, but at least  I haven’t heard of buildings bombed or heads hacked off in the name of The Secret.  Have you?

When I go out on dates, I prefer low lit restaurants.  Why? It helps with my bald spot.

If I can show The Little One how to find her own path to contentment as she grows up to be a young woman, and a version of peace of mind and happiness which is purely her own and not mine or as society defines it, then I would call it a day, pat myself on the back, and consider it a job well done.

And if you dare say “amiiiiiiin”, I swear I’m gonna….

Move to Bandung once in your life.  Leave before you find it cool to give your business an over-inflated name like “Mansion”, “Majesty”, “Opulence” or “Caesar’s Palace”.  And while you are at it, why not slap on an “euy” on the end of it?

Did you know that “Janet Hsieh” rhymes with “Tina Fey”?  Oh be-have.. Down, boy!


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