Vipes, I like this girl who is my ideal dream girl. Pretty, smart (Harvard grad), has a high-paying job and parents who are well-off. She’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman but I’m too insecure to go after her. Sometimes I wonder what would she need me for? She has it all. What should I do?

Okay, first of all… you don’t want a girl who *needs* you anyways. You want a girl who *wants* to be with you. Neediness of any kind is a sure sign to start running. Fast.

That being said.. if you feel insecure to go after her, then your chances are pretty low as it is. Women can smell insecurity, and generally find it unattractive. Does it mean your reasons for being insecure are valid? Not at all. But the way you see yourself, IS.

So adjust yourself mentally, and find a way for her to know you are interested. If you are concerned that she is the type who will laugh at you, then she’s not a nice person, and you shouldn’t be attracted to her in the first place. No guarantees it will be reciprocal, but so what.. you might as well try.

And always remember The Vipertongue Protocol: never pursue, persuade, or persist.

Kalau bola sudah disana, then let it be. If it doesn’t come back to you, let it go and say “NEXT!”

Hi Vipey, saya perempuan umur 20an. Belakangan keluarga & kerabat sering ceramah soal ‘berkeluarga’. Berkeluarga diasosiasikan dengan pencapaian hidup. Jujur saya capek dan kadang merasa terbebani. Apa semua ceramah itu benar karna sayang atau sebatas memaksakan pandangan mereka saja?

My guess is.. it’s 30 percent kasih sayang / genuine concern, and 70 percent “nanti apa kata saudara dan tetangga.”

But I must say, I get questions like this a lot.. and I can’t help feeling that replying to you is a lost cause.

Why?

Because in the end, you will all get married.

For all the “ih ih ngga deh ngapain sih nikah plis deh I’m too cool for school ntar gw adopsi aja gw sih pengen bebas komitmen apaan tuh liat aja banyak yang cerai gw ga butuh cowok ngapain plis deh ih ih ih”…

… you WILL get married.

So yeah.. sudahlaaah.

I just found out that my bf for 4 years hides the fact he’s married before & have kid. He said he lost all the sparks after married for 2 years, so he left his wife, start dating me one year later, and he’s happy with me. Relationship is all nice tho, but from the men’s POV, can I trust this guy?

Whenever I hear things like this, I try to put myself in the guy’s shoes and genuinely try to understand why. You should ask yourself why he hid the fact about his family (assuming you weren’t just pretending not to know).

To lose sparks after two years of marriage doesn’t make him a bad person (albeit low emotional intelligence perhaps), so why should he keep it a secret? Unless there is more to the story than he is letting on.

But here is the kicker: what kind of man denies or hides his own child, -his own flesh and blood-, for FOUR years, from someone he claims to be happy with? And more importantly, what kind of woman would stay with such a (lesser) man and still ask “can I trust this guy?”

tidak pernah ada pressure dri keluarga utk menikah? im now 21, but this marriage thingy somehow haunts me really bad cos I also don’t want to marry anyone. my family is quite harsh tho, I just cant think clearly

“Pressure” sih ngga; maybe just a friendly suggestion every now and then. But then again, I’ve reached that age where people have simply given up asking. Hey, fine by me… I’m starting to run out of witty replies to give them. 🙂

“I also don’t want to marry anyone.” Man, I’d be a rich man if I got a penny for every time I get this statement on ask.fm. You just don’t want to marry anyone YET. Trust me, you will completely forget whatever haunts you now you’ll go down that normie berkubang menggelora road, and you will end up EXACTLY like everyone else.

And guess what.. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong or uncool or unhip about falling in love, getting married, and sharing your life with someone.

Trust me, you’re just as mainstream as everyone else.

You just don’t know it yet.

Vipey I have a feeling that my husband is cheating on me. He started coming so late at night and I could smell a woman’s perfume on his collar. I asked him directly and he said no. I told him I trusted him and asked no further questions. But this itchy feeling of anxiety couldn’t leave. What to do?

By sending this question to me, you obviously don’t trust him. Frankly speaking, neither would I. I think we both know that he doesn’t have a good explanation for it. On the other hand, I’m not sure if I’m the right person to ask as I haven’t been in a monogamous relationship for years.

So what to do?

a.) If it has only happened once, let him know that YOU know, and let it slide. One day you’ll khilaf and have sex with some guy, and hopefully he will let it slide too.

b.) If it seems to be habitual, as in Selingkuh Masif Terstruktur Dan Sistematis, then confront him about it. Not with anger (as difficult as it is), but with intent to solve whatever marital problems you two might have. Who knows, maybe it’s just a matter of sex. Talk about it, figure it out, solve it. (Though be warned, men will sleep around regardless.)

c.) If he denies denies denies and it still continues, then the burden of decision is on you. Either you leave him (dengan segala konsekuensinya), or

d.) stay and do what the average Indonesian Housewife does: Swallow it, and go on Facebook and post stuff like “harus ikhlas… bersabar.. pasrah.. demi anak2 lah.. semoga Tuhan membalas..” For the rest of your life.

Hi vipey, i wanna ask. Aku dan pacarku seumuran, tp dia nganut sistem ‘berbakti’ gt. Aku sebagai pihak musti memperlakukan dia seperti raja karna dia sosok pemimpin. Tp aku pgn gaya pacaran kebarat2an, yg tampak seimbang dan fair. Step apa ya yg musti kita lakuin supaya kita berubah?

Personally, I’m not that guy yang minta dipanggil “mas”, assumes that “bikin teh sore2” is my girlfriend’s duty, or minta diladeni hanya karena saya seorang pria.

But does that make your boyfriend “wrong”? Not at all. Terserah dia sih, preferensi-nya seperti apa. Dan sama hal-nya dengan kamu. Neither of you should make ANY apologies for your preferences. Ada perempuan yang suka “meladeni”, dan ada laki2 yang suka pasangan-nya berkedudukan yang sama. And you know what.. semua ada “jodohnya” masing2.

So, to answer your question:

Step apa yang mesti dilakukan supaya berubah?

Cari pasangan baru yang sesuai preferensi masing2.

Dri, how do you prepare to age alone? Sepertinya saya akan mengalami hal tsb. Karena saya tidak menikah & tidak punya anak. Tks Adrian. F33.

Tidak menikah dan tidak punya anak bukan berarti sudah pasti doomed to age alone. We still have our family, friends (virtual and real), and dates (ini sebaiknya “real” only). No preparation necessary, other than having a wide range of friends.

And as friends start to taper off as we age (we lose them to their own families etc), it’s best to have more than a few spares. The same goes for dates/boyfriends/girlfriends: don’t put all your eggs in the same basket, and always have several options available. They come and go; so make peace with that.

Vipey, I’d say that I’m brilliant at many things: my GPA is almost perfect, I can do many sports, I have brilliant skills on photo&design, also prioritize my edu & future. But I’m sick of people who always say this to me, “Lo klo kurusan cakep deh.” Yes I’m overweight, but errgh why people do that?

Honestly, I think they say it because they truly think so. Bear in mind that if you have absolutely no potential of cakep-ness, they wouldn’t mention it at all. But no, it does not make right to say it to your face.

What bothers me the most about people who say such things, is that smug assumption that WE have no opinions about THEM. Of course we do; we’re just polite enough to leave it unsaid.

Vipey my sister was cheated by her husband, they have kids btw. She confronted him about it and he said it was a khilaf moment & promise to not repeat. Guess what, he did it again. Well, what is your stance on this matter? divorce is her main option now but on the other hand she got kids to think about

Remember when you were in your early 20’s, masih kuliah, and girls said things like “Kalo laki gue sampe selingkuh, GUE CERAI!” Remember that? Okay, now fast forward six years. Those same girls have been married 4 or 6 years, and now have two kids.

Terus suaminya selingkuh.

Dengan masif, terstruktur, dan sistematis.

So.. is she going to say “GUE CERAI!”? I doubt it. She’s been out of the job market for the past 5 years, she has two kids to feed, she can’t move back in with her parents, and… honestly speaking, her prospects of finding a replacement for her douchebag husband ain’t that high anymore.

And guess what? The husband KNOWS this.

Does he love her? Yes.

Does he love the kids? Yes.

Is he a good father? Yes.

But does it mean it will stop any further “khilaf”? Of course not. Why should he?

Because he knows it, and she knows it, that at the end of the day: “Ok, gue ketauan selingkuh… trus, lo mau apa?”

So much for “Kalo laki gue sampe selingkuh, GUE CERAI!”, eh. Easy to say that when you’re in your early 20’s with no tanggungan and still bright-eyed after wisuda.

Jadi, gimana dong? What is a woman to do; yang tidak bisa membiayai anak2nya, tidak bisa pulang ke rumah ortu, tidak punya social life, dan oleh ortunya sendiri tidak boleh cerai karena urusan “harkat dan martabat keluarga”?

Do what the average Indonesian married woman does: go on Facebook and post cryptic curhat stuff like “harus ikhlas, bersabar, biar Tuhan yang membalas.”

Are all men like this? Ngga sih. Tapi bedanya gini: kalau di luar negeri ada alimony and child support. If you can prove in a court of law kalau suami selingkuh (yup, termasuk pay for sex), he will be hit by alimony and child support so hard bisa2 dia harus likuidasi semua assetnya. And if he doesn’t pay, he’ll go to jail for it. So that’s why pria2 di US atau Eropa mikir tujuh keliling sebelum selingkuh, DAN mikir tujuh keliling sebelum MARRIED. As in “if I cannot remain faithful to this woman, I will not get married.”

Kalau cowok Indonesia? “Married sih married, Dri… tapi ya namanya juga cowok lah, Dri… *wink wink*” Basically, Indonesian men have nothing to lose.

So for women who cannot support her own kids or live with the janda stigma, dan kebetulan bersuamikan douchebag yang selingkuh membahana, there really is no way she will come out on top. So she learns to accept it, and live with it.

#fact