What’s your opinion on monogamy? Do you think being with one person for a long term is ideal and something everyone should strive for?

Personally I think monogamy is more of a social construct, and not a biological imperative. That being said, the only ideals a person should strive for are what makes him/her happy, with all things considered. And before the haters start going into a rage… yes, that INCLUDES monogamy.

Masalahnya kan itu.. so many people go through life on default mode, without thinking through what works for them, and end up subscribing to whatever society deems “correct.” If you never sit down and think about what makes you personally happy, then you’ll accept and blindly follow whatever society shoves upon you. Before you know it, you’ve wasted most of your life living by other people’s ideals.

So whichever way you swing… just make sure it’s a path that is of your own choosing.

Hi Vipey, saya perempuan umur 20an. Belakangan keluarga & kerabat sering ceramah soal ‘berkeluarga’. Berkeluarga diasosiasikan dengan pencapaian hidup. Jujur saya capek dan kadang merasa terbebani. Apa semua ceramah itu benar karna sayang atau sebatas memaksakan pandangan mereka saja?

My guess is.. it’s 30 percent kasih sayang / genuine concern, and 70 percent “nanti apa kata saudara dan tetangga.”

But I must say, I get questions like this a lot.. and I can’t help feeling that replying to you is a lost cause.

Why?

Because in the end, you will all get married.

For all the “ih ih ngga deh ngapain sih nikah plis deh I’m too cool for school ntar gw adopsi aja gw sih pengen bebas komitmen apaan tuh liat aja banyak yang cerai gw ga butuh cowok ngapain plis deh ih ih ih”…

… you WILL get married.

So yeah.. sudahlaaah.

I just found out that my bf for 4 years hides the fact he’s married before & have kid. He said he lost all the sparks after married for 2 years, so he left his wife, start dating me one year later, and he’s happy with me. Relationship is all nice tho, but from the men’s POV, can I trust this guy?

Whenever I hear things like this, I try to put myself in the guy’s shoes and genuinely try to understand why. You should ask yourself why he hid the fact about his family (assuming you weren’t just pretending not to know).

To lose sparks after two years of marriage doesn’t make him a bad person (albeit low emotional intelligence perhaps), so why should he keep it a secret? Unless there is more to the story than he is letting on.

But here is the kicker: what kind of man denies or hides his own child, -his own flesh and blood-, for FOUR years, from someone he claims to be happy with? And more importantly, what kind of woman would stay with such a (lesser) man and still ask “can I trust this guy?”

tidak pernah ada pressure dri keluarga utk menikah? im now 21, but this marriage thingy somehow haunts me really bad cos I also don’t want to marry anyone. my family is quite harsh tho, I just cant think clearly

“Pressure” sih ngga; maybe just a friendly suggestion every now and then. But then again, I’ve reached that age where people have simply given up asking. Hey, fine by me… I’m starting to run out of witty replies to give them. 🙂

“I also don’t want to marry anyone.” Man, I’d be a rich man if I got a penny for every time I get this statement on ask.fm. You just don’t want to marry anyone YET. Trust me, you will completely forget whatever haunts you now you’ll go down that normie berkubang menggelora road, and you will end up EXACTLY like everyone else.

And guess what.. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong or uncool or unhip about falling in love, getting married, and sharing your life with someone.

Trust me, you’re just as mainstream as everyone else.

You just don’t know it yet.

I’m 38 and I still don’t want kids and a marriage. Do you think something is wrong with me? And how can I explain myself to people that am actually very content? – M Jeanne

Do I think there is anything wrong with you? Nope. Marriage and kids isn’t an obligation or an achievement, it is simply a choice. Nothing more, nothing less.

And how do you explain yourself? Well, you don’t. Easier said than done, of course. And you’re a woman, so it’s a totally different ball game from being a man in the same position. But you’re getting to the age where people will stop asking, mind you.. so tough it out.

From my experience, nothing good comes from explaining. And even worse if you are defensive about it, because then people will assume you’re spinning #nasib into #sikap. So the best way to handle it is to be happy with your life. Because if you’re miserable.. well, people will always think “makanyaaaa… menikah dan punya anak!”

Why? Because their scope of thinking is actually that small.

hi there can i get your pov? do you believe that all men cheat? is it true that ALL men have that nature? i kinda scare of marriage, if i found a man who’s secretly into open relationship and turns out couldn’t be faithful to me.

I’m going to skip your questions, as I can’t presume to know what most men are like. Besides, I’d still like to live a few more years, thank you very much.

So instead, I’ll go direct to your statement “i kinda scare of marriage.” Well, put it this way.. right now, at this moment, you think that a husband cheating is an Extinction Level Event. But my guess is, once you’re married, you’ll consider it just one of the “costs of doing business.”

Does it suck? Sure. But think of the alternatives of NOT getting married: dying alone, diomongin keluarga, dianggap ngga laku, tidak ada yg support, tidak punya anak, ngga ada yang beliin handbag, and the soul-crushing loneliness.

So yes, it’s simply the cost of doing business… and not the Extinction Level Event you perceive it to be now.

So you learn to live with it, and you learn to accept it. And hey, you may do it yourself on the side. Nothing makes you morally superior to him. A Facebook flirt here, a Tinder match there… I can go on.

Now regarding “if i found a man who’s secretly into open relationship”, I have a few things to say:

Why is it that those men who CLAIM to be in a so-called “open relationship” must always be CAUGHT first, before making the revelation? If a person is truly in a mutual and consensual open-relationship, he would be honest about it from the very beginning. To ALL parties involved.

Short of that, I consider the guy just another lesser man; a douchebag making excuses.

Vipey I have a feeling that my husband is cheating on me. He started coming so late at night and I could smell a woman’s perfume on his collar. I asked him directly and he said no. I told him I trusted him and asked no further questions. But this itchy feeling of anxiety couldn’t leave. What to do?

By sending this question to me, you obviously don’t trust him. Frankly speaking, neither would I. I think we both know that he doesn’t have a good explanation for it. On the other hand, I’m not sure if I’m the right person to ask as I haven’t been in a monogamous relationship for years.

So what to do?

a.) If it has only happened once, let him know that YOU know, and let it slide. One day you’ll khilaf and have sex with some guy, and hopefully he will let it slide too.

b.) If it seems to be habitual, as in Selingkuh Masif Terstruktur Dan Sistematis, then confront him about it. Not with anger (as difficult as it is), but with intent to solve whatever marital problems you two might have. Who knows, maybe it’s just a matter of sex. Talk about it, figure it out, solve it. (Though be warned, men will sleep around regardless.)

c.) If he denies denies denies and it still continues, then the burden of decision is on you. Either you leave him (dengan segala konsekuensinya), or

d.) stay and do what the average Indonesian Housewife does: Swallow it, and go on Facebook and post stuff like “harus ikhlas… bersabar.. pasrah.. demi anak2 lah.. semoga Tuhan membalas..” For the rest of your life.

Halo Om Vipey, tulisan om tentang perselingkuhan membuat saya ketakutan untuk menikah. Buat apa nikah kalo eventually bakal begitu? :”)

Because when marriage works… it works. And yes, it’s happiness ever after.

But in SOME cases mungkin memang dianggap trade-off yang layak ya. Ngga apa2 kok merem dikit.. asal ada pasangan, pas sekarat ada yang nemenin, ada yang menuruskan keturunan, ada yang nemenin di hari tua, memenuhi harapan keluarga dan masyarakat, dan tuntutan agama. (Hey man, I didn’t make those up… I just repeat what I hear.)

Who am I to say that’s not a fair trade-off? I can’t use my personal standards for others.

What is life if not a series of compromises? 🙂

I totally agree about your answer to that cheated husband, that’s why women should be indepedent although she’s married. IMO My neighbor do that too, she couldn’t do anything bout her husband so she act like nothing happened. (Walaupun hati ke iris-iris liat suaminya pulang pagi terus)

Yeah well.. if you’re married for years, kayaknya capek juga ya kalau always “in a state of readiness” dimana harus selalu siap meninggalkan suami. It sounds easy on paper.. but when things are good and “dia kalo lagi baeq, baeeeeeq banget”, ngga akan mikirin.

Dan itu belum lagi considering all the tricks that men do to make the wife DEPENDENT on him, either emotionally or financially. It’s the little things over the years: “ngga usah kerja lah, anak2 harus ada yang ngurus” or “jangan sering keluar2 lah, kan ngga enak keliatannya.” Throw in kids to the mix, and he has the wife wrapped around his finger… however poorly he treats her.

Oh wait, “tapi kalo lagi baeq, baeeeq banget.” 🙂

Vipey my sister was cheated by her husband, they have kids btw. She confronted him about it and he said it was a khilaf moment & promise to not repeat. Guess what, he did it again. Well, what is your stance on this matter? divorce is her main option now but on the other hand she got kids to think about

Remember when you were in your early 20’s, masih kuliah, and girls said things like “Kalo laki gue sampe selingkuh, GUE CERAI!” Remember that? Okay, now fast forward six years. Those same girls have been married 4 or 6 years, and now have two kids.

Terus suaminya selingkuh.

Dengan masif, terstruktur, dan sistematis.

So.. is she going to say “GUE CERAI!”? I doubt it. She’s been out of the job market for the past 5 years, she has two kids to feed, she can’t move back in with her parents, and… honestly speaking, her prospects of finding a replacement for her douchebag husband ain’t that high anymore.

And guess what? The husband KNOWS this.

Does he love her? Yes.

Does he love the kids? Yes.

Is he a good father? Yes.

But does it mean it will stop any further “khilaf”? Of course not. Why should he?

Because he knows it, and she knows it, that at the end of the day: “Ok, gue ketauan selingkuh… trus, lo mau apa?”

So much for “Kalo laki gue sampe selingkuh, GUE CERAI!”, eh. Easy to say that when you’re in your early 20’s with no tanggungan and still bright-eyed after wisuda.

Jadi, gimana dong? What is a woman to do; yang tidak bisa membiayai anak2nya, tidak bisa pulang ke rumah ortu, tidak punya social life, dan oleh ortunya sendiri tidak boleh cerai karena urusan “harkat dan martabat keluarga”?

Do what the average Indonesian married woman does: go on Facebook and post cryptic curhat stuff like “harus ikhlas, bersabar, biar Tuhan yang membalas.”

Are all men like this? Ngga sih. Tapi bedanya gini: kalau di luar negeri ada alimony and child support. If you can prove in a court of law kalau suami selingkuh (yup, termasuk pay for sex), he will be hit by alimony and child support so hard bisa2 dia harus likuidasi semua assetnya. And if he doesn’t pay, he’ll go to jail for it. So that’s why pria2 di US atau Eropa mikir tujuh keliling sebelum selingkuh, DAN mikir tujuh keliling sebelum MARRIED. As in “if I cannot remain faithful to this woman, I will not get married.”

Kalau cowok Indonesia? “Married sih married, Dri… tapi ya namanya juga cowok lah, Dri… *wink wink*” Basically, Indonesian men have nothing to lose.

So for women who cannot support her own kids or live with the janda stigma, dan kebetulan bersuamikan douchebag yang selingkuh membahana, there really is no way she will come out on top. So she learns to accept it, and live with it.

#fact