You know you’re a pribumi-entrepreneur if you create a Facebook fan-page for your business before you even make your first sale.

Rule of thumb: If they call themselves “Komunitas”, it ain’t gonna be a very fun crowd. They can kill a good party before you can say “Jurnal Perempuan”.  Trust me on this one.

To say that the British came to Indonesia to colonize us is like saying the Americans landed in Normandy to take over France.

Never trust a man who insists on saying “kalo gue sih orangnya…”. Don’t tell me what kind of man you are.  I’ll observe your behaviour and make my own conclusions, thank you very much.

If you visit me at work, you may call it kain, bahan, or tekstil… but if you ever call it “cita”, I am throwing you out of my second floor window.

Can’t live with em, can’t do most positions without ‘em. Sigh.

I was once so fat, if I didn’t finish tying my shoelaces in one go, I would have to come up for air lest I pass out of oxygen deprivation.

If you are on a date with a GBU chick and she starts squealing in delight when “God is Watching Us”, “Sometimes When We Touch”, or anything by Susan Wong comes on… trust me, that’s all the squealing you’ll be hearing because there is no chance you are getting laid tonight.

One country claims our traditional dance to be theirs, we practically prepare to wage war.  Another country rapes and abuses our TKI’s, we aspire to live like them.

When I was a boy, my dad gave me Dale Carnegie’s book “How to Make Friends and Influence People”.  I’d like to think it was because he wanted me to become a man of influence, but it was more likely because I had no friends.

If you can’t legalize it, dodolize it.

Never trust a bule who claims to know Indonesia, yet all he orders is gado-gado and satay. That is sort of like saying you are a jazz fan but all you listen to is Incognito and Fourplay.  But hey, if you.. uh, actually listen to jazz…  well, this venue is for civilized conversations, let’s just keep it that way, shall we?

Beware of women who look at you intently and say “kamu pasti pernah mengalami kesedihan yang mendalam ya?”.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

The second best thing about having a girlfriend is there is always someone to watch movies with.

You know it’s a bad movie when the villain laughs too much and all his henchmen wear shades.

Most designers start out by cutting up their sister’s Barbie dresses.  I think I got started by pestering my mom into sewing me a replica of the jacket Luke Skywalker wore on Dagobah.

When a tv-spot finds it necessary to inform the viewer that the talent hawking the product is an “international star”, he ain’t.

I usually wear my shirtsleeve cuffs unbuttoned, like how Brad Pitt wears them in Ocean’s Eleven.  So how is that working out for me?  Oh, about as effective as that whole shaved-head/Jason Statham thing I did.

Yes, I work in mysterious ways too. The difference is that He gets away with it, and I don’t.

Other people don’t think of you as often as you might think they do.  Like you, they have better things to do with their time.

If a tune goes around in your head and you cannot get rid of it, finish singing the song in its entirety.  In the end, like everything else in life, all we want is closure.

Berryphoria:  The high you experience before you start struggling with your Eazypay installments.

Adrian’s Rules to Better Living, #53: Open Outlook Express, click Tools, Rules, and automatically delete any incoming messages containing the following words: “pencerahan”, “kisah sebuah”, “hikmah”, “secercah”, “renungan”, or “Kahlil Gibran”.

Anyone who finds it necessary to post “ayo semangat!” on monday mornings, really hates his job.

If you are at a bar and pleasantly buzzed, never accept any type of dodol offered to you.  God knows I learned that the hard way.  And unfortunately, so did the parking lot at Tabac’s.

A man cannot survive on elbow-candy alone. Sure, it may impress your buddies…. but sooner or later, you’re going to have to start having conversations with her.

You know the type of people who whip out a sketchbook at Starbuck’s, and sketch dresses in a fit of fevered inspiration?  They don’t work in fashion.

“Marriage and kids are choices. They are neither achievements nor obligations.” - Leony Aurora

If someone’s Facebook or Yahoo Messenger status proclaims how wonderful it is to be single, artinya baru ditolak.

Did you know that the marble slabs used to make martabak are usually stolen from cemeteries?  So yeah, the next time you bite into your martabak spesial and see a partial impression of “Beristirahat Dengan Tenang”, now you know why.

How do women maintain lifelong friendships?  Call and write each other, cry over Haagendazs in pajamas, gossip over cosmopolitans, bond over frappucinos.  How do men maintain lifelong friendships?  We email each other porn every two weeks.

Never trust a man who uses the terms “ane - ente”. “Tapi itu ‘kan dari bahasa arab, yan?”  Well yes… My point exactly.

There was a “Bule with a Mission” NGO in Central Java that socialized AIDS awareness via wayang golek shows. Yeah dude, the last time I checked, high risk inviduals are heavy into the wayang golek scene, big time.

If your date ever says “gw bc buku cm sblm tdr spy cpt ngntuk aj”, slowly stand up, step away, and run for your life.

“Faith:  It won’t give you all of the answers, but it sure will stop you from asking further questions.” - Frater Ravus

Forget the cheers, but always, always remember the jeers.

We all die alone.  Even if we have children, we all die alone. If you think they would join, then you are seriously overestimating their love for you.

How to get into Time and CNN:  Join an underground band in a developing or religiously conservative country.  Throw in some politically charged lyrics, and you’ll practically have the western media eating out of your hands.  Oh yes, my friend… this is definitely the Stuff White People Like.

Cool Name for a Band:  “Tiko Tiko and the Boseco’s”.  And we’ll all wear Pegawai Negeri Sipil uniforms and have long nicotine-stained thumbnails.

It’s not your parent’s responsibility to understand what you want to do with your life.  It’s your responsibility to prove to them that you do. And if you’re lucky, they might even take you seriously enough.

Being stuck to listening to the music of your bygone youth is the equivalent of having a desperate combover. Move on.  Seriously.

Koko Angkat: The guy who once tried to get into her pants… and failed.

Ever notice that Mickey Mouse’ ears always face towards you, no matter which way he turns?  How freaky is a giant gloved rat with swivelling ears, eh?

What’s the difference between fashionistas and foodies?  Foodies don’t assume they can easily be professional chefs simply because they like to eat.  “Secara, gw kan fashion blogger en suka gambar-gambar baju, geto lowh!”

If your date ever applies words “enak”, “lucu”, and “rame” respectively to music, clothing, and movies…  you know what to do.  By God, man.. you know what to do.

Signs it’s (Definitely) The Wrong Band #21: There are more than 7 people on stage, you see bongo drums and maracas, the bass guitar is strapped high in the guy’s armpits, and the lead singer is a Skinny Guy in a Hat.  And if they start playing Incognito, Toto, Manhattan Transfer, or Kool and the Gang… dude, you’re pretty much dead in the water. May God have mercy on your soul and eardrums.

Sometimes, but just sometimes, the two singers in shorts and boots on either side of the Skinny Guy make it all… so… worth… it….

If you are that “me-so-budayawan” guy who wears batik/ikat sarongs to society parties, you may think you look like hip and cultured, but in fact you just look like you were circumcized about twenty-five years too late.

There is a very thin line between “kekeluargaan” and “just plain nosey”.

Life is too short to earn a living doing something you wouldn’t do for free.

If you are ever invited to be a speaker, you can always spot the ITB alumnis in the audience.  Just look for the ones sitting with arms folded, slouched with sandal-gunung’d feet splayed out, tilted head, eyeing you with that skeptical “I am so much smarter than you” expression. Which, of course, explains why my highschool-educated ass is standing up here, and your ITB-educated ass is sitting down there.

Real men cry at the final scene of “First Blood Part I”.

No, I don’t care how you spin it, sometimes there is no “hikmah” to be taken, okay?  Sometimes things really do just suck and that’s just the plain end of it.

If she says she has been to busy to talk to you lately, there is a 84.68% chance that she actually is.  With another guy.

Nothing makes a woman age faster than wearing little polkadots.  Even more so if she actually refers to them as “bolletjes.”

If you ask your date what she did on New Year’s Eve and she says “refleksi dan merenung”, well..  enough said.

Be a man.  Be a man and dress like one. No sagging jeans.  No white shoes with thin soles. No retro sneakers with red laces.  No surfer, skate, or satiric logo t-shirts.  No Pete Wentz haircut.  No slouching and foot dragging.  No dorky white plastic glasses.  No european designer manbags.  No pink polo shirts.  No Sour Sally in public.  Stand up straight and walk with confidence.  Wear shirts and jeans that fit properly.  Shoes with soles thicker than your thumb.  A watch thicker than your index finger.  A tattoo that counts.  A leather belt with a buckle so heavy you could bludgeon another man to death with.  Come on, grow a pair and dress like you are worthy of them.   And if you can’t do that, well… you can always work in advertising.

My father always wondered, why do the cultures with strong beliefs in the afterlife are always the ones that wail hysterically when someone dies?

Never trust food reviews that include any of the following phrases: “aduhai”, “lidah bergoyang”, or “amboi lezatnya”. I’m not even gonna say that “M” word.

If we are introduced, and I am courteous enough to ask what you do for a living, please be kind enough to give me a straight answer.  Sengak-ibukota replies such as “kuli korporat, pembokatnya bos, maksiat, jongos, kutukupret periklanan, kacung” or “ya gitu deeeh” are not funny, cute, nor witty.  So unless you are in a lenong betawi, please understand this:  I don’t actually care what your job is, I’m just asking out of politeness sake.

Under no circumstances should a man ever have the word “gokil” applied to him. And if you ever come across such a man, you know what to do with your belt buckle.

No, I have no wishes for The Little One to grow up and be berguna bagi nusa, bangsa, agama, dan orangtua.  I just want her to have contentment and peace of mind, and all that other delusional crap will pretty much fall into place. Though keep in mind that the Spanish Inquisition was, by any definition, berguna for their agama. But for the native american indians?  Probably not so much, dude.

Any man worth his chest-hair should watch at least one David Mamet movie during his lifetime.  I suggest starting out with “Glengarry Glen Ross”.

And no, that “North Sea Jazz Festival” poster you have on your wall does *not* make you look cool.

The only thing sadder than having your autograph and comments up on the seleb section of restaurant wall, is actually asking if you could put your autograph up on that wall.

If you ever say “sudah capek pacaran”, please allow me to let you in on a little secret:  It means you’ve been doing it wrong.

I could never understand the appeal of the caffe latte.  It tastes like warm milk contaminated by coffee.

You know you’ve been living in Bandung too long when the only time you see pribumis and chinese eating at the same table is at nasi hainam joints located within a 3 kilometer radius of a church on a sunday afternoon.

Prayer is like music. There is no logic, reason, nor point to it, but if it makes you feel good and it doesn’t bug anyone else, then hey… why not? (The difference, of course, is that music is actually listened to.)

FSRD ITB students tend to think that by only producing limited items of anything automatically make it exclusive.  Produce fivehundred, and there is a demand for a fivehundred-fifty, that’s exclusive.  If you only produce two and there is no demand for it, that’s called overproduction, baby.

“Tapi gue kan idealis! Ngga komersil/massal/sell-out!”  Fine, okay.  Now sit back and watch me perform Vivaldi on my air Stradivarius.

You know you’ve been living in Jakarta too long when you find the words “KFC” and “Lounge” in the same sentence to be a perfectly acceptable idea.

If you are on a date and she says “Terus terus terus?  Cerita dong cerita dong!”, she really has no interest in whatever you are saying.  And no, she wasn’t paying attention to the few words you wedged in earlier either.

Live in Jakarta once in your life.   Leave before you start coming to Bandung for weekends, wear your hotel slippers to tourist-trap cafés with your sunglasses in your hair, talk much louder than everyone else there, swagger around like you own the place, and think those frickin’ brownies are actually good.  “YO’I, JEK!”

And you know what’s even worse?  You can always tell exactly which tables are the MR eh? chicks, the “anak-anak agency”, the cap n’ sneaker-wearing EOs, or the distro-wearing PH guys.

If you ever come across an online profile of a bule living in Indonesia whose favorite book is “Love in the Time of Cholera”, has pictures of post-tsunami Aceh with “This.. is what I do” as a caption, and listens to “Deep Forest”, slowly stand up, get an axe, and hack your laptop to pieces.

“You couldn’t make a commitment, that’s why she left you for another guy.”  No, she left me for another guy because.. there is another guy. Period.

I have observed that there are two types of Indonesian students in the U.S.  The first type makes friends, and the second type just goes and joins PERMIAS.

And if you can’t even pull that off, there are always the indo-church youth groups who will assimilate you.  And make no mistake about it, you *will* be assimilated.  Because resistance, my friend… is futile. GBU!

Girlfriends are like instant noodles.  One pack isn’t enough, two is too much.  But if you use one and a half, you can never quite figure out what to do with that extra half.

One thing I remembered about my father was that he would always introduce himself to my friends by saying his own name. It sounded rather odd to me as a kid, but now I can see it as sign of respect and consideration towards my friends.

Y’know, the fact that a mall has the audacity to call itself “The Pride of Indonesia” says a lot about us as a people.

I just shaved my head for the first time ever, inspired by Jason Statham.  How did it turn out?  Well, put it this way…  putting lipstick on a pig does not an Anne Hathaway make, does it?

Men who prefer long-haired women tend to sit side-by-side with her with when in restaurants.  Men who prefer short-haired women will sit across from her.

Everyone has their own personal struggle to deal with.

Based on an an informal survey, I have come to the conclusion that women who listen to Il Divo do not necessarily listen to Pavarotti or Bocelli.  Now I must say, this phenomena completely eludes me…

Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable to gesek almost a month’s salary for the latest Blackberry just so you can check your milis-cosmo messages and who poked you on Facebook. Or if you happen to work for MR-eh?, make that 3 months salary. *kevlar vest on and siap kabur*

If you are at a karaoke with your date and she starts singing “I Will Survive” with her eyes closed and penuh penghayatan, slowly stand up, step away, and run for your life. But then again, if you would actually take your date to a karaoke, well..  let’s just leave it at that, shall we?

You know a movie is gonna suck big-time if it has a contrived dysfunctional family in it, is reviewed as “whimsical and delightful”, and stars a precocious actress that every Polaroid-snapping Aksara Hag aspires to be.

Cool name for a chinese restaurant: “Cumgorped (d/h Cumi Goreng Pedas)”

If she says “he’s actually a nice guy if you get to know him better”, you can assume he is wealthy. And if he says “she’s actually quite smart but she just doesn’t show it”, you can assume she is hot.

When most of the spam in your inbox is about debt consolidation and not penis enlargement, you know we’re definitely in a recession.

The other day, a friend messaged me: “Heran ga sih, orang-orang pada percaya buku The Secret?  Buku paling idiot.”   My reply was: “Yeah well… I happen know a few other books that are just as idiotic, and with more believers pula…”

You know you’ve been visiting Bandung too often if you consider “zuppa zuppa” to be the highest form of culinary achievement.  And you seriously don’t wanna get me started on those frickin’ brownies….

And if you do come to Bandung, please do not ask me where to go clubbing.  Why?  Because I am sick and tired of getting that proverbial SMS at 3am saying “aduh driii…. crowd / DJ / tempatnya koq ga happening/ok/hip gene seeeeeh…. i miss Dragonfly… huhuhuhuhu…”

And while we are on the subject:  You know you have been living in Jakarta too long when you instinctively know that simple question of “lu suka clubbing dimana?” is a loaded with socio-economic connotations.

I was having drinks at the Hard Rock Cafe at EX the other night and had to go to the men’s room.  But instead of the usual male / female signage, one door had a picture of Marilyn Monroe on it, and the other door had George Michael. Frankly, I couldn’t figure out which one was the men’s room.

You know you work in advertising if you have ever used “itu ‘kan maunya klien” as an excuse.  Fine, now sit back and watch me perform Vivaldi on my air Stradivarius.

Move to Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it acceptable to go to music concerts of artists you don’t even normally listen to, just so you can post pictures of  you and your friends on Facebook the following day.

Wanna know what I hated about living all on my own?  Was it waking up to a lonely silence every morning?  Or was it being greeted by a dark and empty house when you come home in the evening?  Actually, no.  The worst part was opening your fridge every day and knowing exactly what was going to be in there. No surprises, ever.

Oh, except for that one time when I had a years-old jar of mayonnaise in the back of the fridge.   I think it waved at me.

Sure, it might be idiotic, but at least  I haven’t heard of buildings bombed or heads hacked off in the name of The Secret.  Have you?

When I go out on dates, I prefer low lit restaurants.  Why? It helps with my bald spot.

If I can show The Little One how to find her own path to contentment as she grows up to be a young woman, and a version of peace of mind and happiness which is purely her own and not mine or as society defines it, then I would call it a day, pat myself on the back, and consider it a job well done.

And if you dare say “amiiiiiiin”, I swear I’m gonna….

Move to Bandung once in your life.  Leave before you find it cool to give your business an over-inflated name like “Mansion”, “Majesty”, “Opulence” or “Caesar’s Palace”.  And while you are at it, why not slap on an “euy” on the end of it?

Did you know that “Janet Hsieh” rhymes with “Tina Fey”?  Oh be-have.. Down, boy!

A man can never own enough knives or multitools.  The fact that he may only use it now and then to open The Little One’s bag of Chiki is entirely beside the point.

Sex is like rempeyek. Even when it’s not best rempeyek out there, it’s still pretty damn good enough for me.

If I could chose a profession based on the clothing, it would be a reverend or a SEAL Underwater Demolitionist.  The fact that I have as much faith as my cat and that I couldn’t dog-paddle in a kiddie pool is entirely beside the point.  That being said, there truly is beauty in the monochrome.

People who blog about how fun and fearless it is to be living the single life, actually hate being single. Even more so if she watches Sex and the City, so help you God.

Overheard in theater while watching an adaptation of Shakespeare’s “Henry V”: “Tapi saya belum nonton satu sampai empat…“

I’ve hanged out with the literati-budayawan crowd, and I’ve hanged out with the fashionista-model crowd.  Now take a wild guess, which crowd was most likely to make snap judgments based on appearance alone, and verbally express it?

When it comes to trousers, innovative designs don’t sell. (Cue to smart-ass comments by designer-wannabes here.)

In 1984, there was a hit song by Jim Diamond that went “I should have known better, to lie to someone as beautiful as you..“  The first thing that went through my 12 year old mind was: “What, so does it mean if she is ugly, it’s perfectly acceptable to lie to her?”

A religious organization in Indonesia is miffed because the movie “Drupadi” implies that the Mahabharata is fiction.  I find it amusing how one man’s historical fact is just another man’s myth.  Besides, if you can believe in water turning into wine and the parting of the Red Sea, then the idea of a white-furred talking monkey shouldn’t be too much of a stretch, should it?

If your date ever orders soup with a pastry-hat, her steak cooked well-done, and a lime squash, slowly stand up, step away, turn around, and run for your life.  Let me guess: she also prefers Crispy over Original and listens to Josh Groban.

After several years in Indonesia, it dawned upon me that the symbol for Pramuka was, in fact, not a tadpole.

Ever seen those long and baggy Japanese socks?  They actually glue them so they stay in place. Which explains the physics in the numerous independent Japanese films I have had the privilege to view. No wardrobe malfunction in those movies, no sir.

Back in my ICQ days, I found it amusing how many ITB students would actually list their school under “Occupation”.  And only ITB students would do that. Go figure that out.

Typical Reactions You Get If You Are Actually Idiotic Enough To Tell People You Design Clothing For A Living #87:  The “Friends of My Mom” Response: “Sok atuh Adri disainin tante baju yang bisa bikin langsing, saya mah susah pisan cari baju, maklum kalau sudah berumur jadinya melar.. Adri jangan desain untuk yang langsing2 saja atuh… tante mah sukanya yang ada bolletjes dan…”

The two ‘heads GBU chicks would never listen to:  Radiohead and Portishead.  Seriously, just stick to Il Divo, Susan Wong, and “Oh Carol”.

A man playing a ukulele is exactly one half a man.  And if he wears Crocs while doing so, well…  let’s just leave it at that.

Girlfriends come and go, but friends are forever.  And if you do not consider your girlfriend first and foremost as a friend, then you are doing it wrong.  You idiot.

If I ever see another Indonesian TV spot that uses James Brown’s “I Feel Good”, I swear I am gonna hunt down that anak agency and shove his Macbook Pro, me-so-gokil white sneakers, and hat down his skinny throat.

Okay, what’s worse than posing for pics in front of Hard Rock Hotel’s blue surfboard on Kuta?  Posing for pics in front of the Bvlgari hotel sign. Even more so if you aren’t actually staying there.

I’m a GoodReads kinda guy living in an AdultFriendFinder kinda world.

The type of women who read “The Purpose Driven Life” tend to marry the type of men who read “Who Moved My Cheese”.  And end up sharing a copy of “The Secret”.  GBU!

Cool name for a band:  Dewi McPeaches and the Moldy Persiks.  (You probably have to be a hipster Lomo-snapping kaffiyeh-wrapped Aksara-hag to find this one amusing.)

If you are watching a movie and your date says “Yang jahat yang mana?”, slowly step away, turn around, and run for your life.

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” if you read books by Allende, Marquez, Naipaul, or anything else with a political turmoil as a backdrop.

To learn how to swear with eloquence, drive behind a mikrolet.

I got my first tattoo a few weeks ago.  It was a decent place, with the usual gaggle of tattooed, pierced, mohawked kids hanging around.   As I was wincing under the needle, that song “Nothing’s gonna change my love for you” played on the radio.  And somehow everyone started singing along to it.  Without the.. slightest.. hint.. of.. irony, pula.

You know you’re a Rabid Bunda if you think your homemade macaroni schotel and risoles kicks some serious ass.

There is a very good reason why the song doesn’t go “Dont’cha wish your boyfriend was hot like me?” instead.

That being said, why do women talk about “sisterhood” so much?  Because deep down inside they know they would walk all over each other when the opportunity presents itself.

When was the last time anyone was ever killed in the name of Satan?

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away (namely Vancouver, Canada), my dad visited our family doctor after “di kerok” by my mom.  For a moment the doctor seriously thought my mom was quite handy with a whip.

Isn’t it ironic how 95% of the clothing in fashion shows would actually get you arrested by the fashion police?

You know you’ve been in Indonesia too long when you instinctively rate ‘human development’ in various cities according to the franchises established there, i.e. from least developed to most developed: CFC, KFC, PH, McD, BK, Starbucks.

That being said, Wonogiri is still like, a decade away from reaching a KFC level of development..

Beware of women who SMS you “Sudah makan, belum? Jangan lupa makan ya, nanti sakit lho…”.  Trust me on this one.

If you have to remind someone every single day, five times a day, using bloody loudspeakers nonetheless, he probably doesn’t really want to do it in the first place, alright?

Binoche over Alba any day.  There is something very attractive about a woman in her 40’s.

I knew I was getting old the day I realized I prefer watching CNN instead of MTV.

Real men don’t use straws.  Except with Teh Botol.

Women who like romantic men paling gampang dikibulin. Deservedly so.

]]> http://vipertongue.com/?feed=rss2&p=6 http://vipertongue.com/?p=5 http://vipertongue.com/?p=5#comments Sun, 13 Dec 2009 09:46:44 +0000 Adrian http://vipertongue.com/?p=5 Move to Bali once in your life.  Leave before you start going all “Bali-er Than Thou” and act smugly superior to Jakartans.

You know you work in advertising if you wear t-shirts with satiric junk food logos, listen to Mika, watch Wong Kar Wai, and think that Benyamin is cool.  “I’m so hip and ironic, I amaze myself sometimes!”

You know you’re a Rabid Bunda if your email address is “(insert child’s name here)-ku@yahoo.com”

How to lose friends and alienate people:  Join an MLM.

I would be a rich man if I received a penny everytime I hear a musician wax poetic on how music is a “universal language that crosses boundaries and cultures.”

There are only three things in life that are certain: Death, taxes, and a child’s fondness for spaghetti.

If I ever get married one day, I plan on kneeling down and washing her feet instead. The look on all of my relatives’ faces?  Priceless!

Ever wondered why men’s shirts unbutton and open from the left side, and a women’s shirts the opposite way?  A man uses his right hand to draw his sword or gun from the left side of his belt, and a woman breastfeeds using the left breast as it is closest to her heart.  Men kill, women nurture.

My advice to malaysian rockers:  Add more fiber to your diet. You just might sing better.

If you ever survived getting two of your cats into the back of the car to take to the vet, its difficult not come away thinking “Noah, you da man, bro…” regardless of your personal beliefs.

There are quite a few things that can make you feel good about life.  Watching a child attack a plate of spaghetti is one of them.

There is a good reason why you hear the term “lakor” more often than “binor”.  It’s not that we would never fall for another man’s wife, but we consider it shameful.  So no, you won’t hear men gabbing over cosmopolitans on how “cewek gue lagi banyak masalah ama lakinya, and besides, I’m a much better man for her…”

So yeah, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  Why do women talk about “sisterhood” so much? Because deep down, they know they’d backstab and walk over each other when the opportunity presents itself.

Proof that George Lucas is Indonesian, #28: Count Dooku (Sith Lord/fruit), Jawas (little hooded people on Tatooine/The Superior Indonesian Race), Han Solo (Harrison Ford/lots of slow-moving Jawas reside here).

There is always somebody worse off than you are.  And probably deserved it less, too.

You know something is fundamentally wrong when your best defense for it is “Yes, but the book itself teaches peace and goodwill, not violence and hatred.”

If your boyfriend’s eyes never, ever wander, be prepared to face the fact that he’s actually gay.  I’m dead serious on this.  And if all this time you thought it’s because his eyes were only on you, it looks like someone is in for a big surprise.

Cool name for a chinese restaurant: “The Ignorant Duck (d/h Cuek Bebek)”

Figure out what you would gladly do for free.  If you happen to be somewhat good at it, find out a way to make people pay you some money to continue doing so.  Top it off with good health, good friends, and some peace of mind, and hey… you’ve got yourself a pretty decent gig going on there.

Live in Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you start wearing yellow “Live Strong” wristbands and carry a “I Am Not a Plastic Bag” bag without having a frickin’ clue what its all about.

Jawa uber alles.

I think the real reason why Indonesians do Pre-Wedding photography is because they realize how horrible and stressed-out they will look on the wedding day itself.

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” when you find it necessary to make a point that you have a favorite Indonesian band. And to make sure everyone knows about it, so help you God.

The next time you see a bunch of hip Jakartans in magazines because they are the sole distributors or license holders of a hot foreign label or café, just keep this in mind: For all that preening and posturing that they do, the founder of the brand doesn’t-even-know-they-exist.

Never button the lowest button on your suit jacket. And if you think it’s okay to leave the label stitched on the sleeve… well, we’re not even gonna go there, are we?

There are two types of women:  The FFF! Airheads who are deluded enough to think they know everything about fashion, and the Pretentious Pramoedyas who proudly claim how fashion-ignorant they are (and sadly enough.. look the part, too).

Never trust a man who never swears. Except if he swears in Javanese, then he is simply a bloody idiot.

The other day I was watching a documentary on aircraft carriers on the Discovery channel.  On the early carriers, aircrafts would land on the flight deck parallel to the long axis of the ship’s hull, and park at the end of the runway.  If a jet overshot its landing, it would crash into the parked aircrafts.  It took a decade of fiery deaths before someone finally came up with the idea of an angled runway, so the landing jet would not hit the parked aircrafts and simply go airborne again.  Keep this in mind the next time you have the urge to beat yourself silly over a mistake you have made.

How to spot a Beginner Fashion Designer, #23: They sign their name on every.. bloody.. sketch they make, assuming that someone will copy it and gain fame and fortune off the oh-so-precious design.  So help you God.

When you ask someone what his favorite movies are and he answers with names of directors instead of movie titles, its his way of saying “I am hipper than thou, you puny pedestrian scum”. Either that, or he works in advertising. Same difference.

If you gotta grind, grind deep.

When buying a suit, the fit of the shoulders is the most important thing to consider. It’s better to wear a cheap polyester suit that fits properly, than a fine wool Ermenegildo Zegna with drooping shoulders.  You’d be surprised to see how many self-proclaimed “stylish” men dress that way.

When things go horribly wrong, why is that God’s name is usually the first to be mentioned?

If the guy is fat, balding, and hairy, it’s sexual harrasment.  If he’s a male model, the entire office will know by lunchtime the following workday. I know it, you know it, so just bloody admit it.

Look, even if all you read is Krayon Sinchan and Donal Bebek, for crying out loud… just lie!  Do what everyone else does: say Kahlil Gibran & Paulo Coelho instead. Hell, while you are at it, why not throw in some Pramoedya for good measure?

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he’ll ask you to pay for the sewa lapak and some uang rokok.

A building collapses.  Over a hundred people die, and a single baby survives.  Now, let me get this clear… that’s a miracle to be thankful for?  How does that logic work, exactly?

The smaller her dog, the more emotionally fragile she is.

There is nothing sadder than a white guy who pretends to be Balinese.  An udeng on your head and a “Made” by your name does not a local make. So pack your barong shirt and fly back to New Jersey.

When my parents were struggling immigrants in the ’60s, all we could afford were the cheapest cuts of a chicken, namely the backs and necks.  For the longest time we thought that was all a chicken consisted of, until we saw KFC commercials on TV with slow-motion tumbling pieces of drumsticks, wings, and breasts.  My sister and brother said “Hey… hold on… what part of the chicken is that?

When a man turns twenty-five, he should refrain from dating women who have an aversion to DVD’s with laurel wreaths on its cover. Regardless of how much of a hot babe she may possibly be.

The worse the spelling, the higher the probability he was educated in the U.S. Definately.

If you cannot be happy on your own, you will never be happy with someone else.

Move to Jakarta once in your life.  Leave before you find it perfectly acceptable for a radio-station to call itself “Hard Rock FM” and play Michael Bublé.

After three and a half centuries of struggle, Indonesia declared its independence 11 days after the U.S. dropped the atom bomb on Hiroshima.  You do the math.

The tip of your tie should fall at the exact center of your belt.  Any shorter and looks clown-ish, any longer and it would look like you’re desperately compensating.

Give God a break.  If it ain’t important, don’t waste a prayer on it.

You know you’re a “Bule with a Mission” if you have Phillip Glass, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan or Youssou N’Dour on your iPod.

Malaysia: Truly Indonesia

Women who always date wealthy and good-looking men will always have a distant ex-boyfriend who isn’t.   And she will make sure you never, ever, ever forget that little fact. So help you God.

Any profession that deals with outward appearance, such as fashion, hair and beauty, or aerobics, has a higher percentage of insecure neurotic people.

Ayam Negeri: The same, only with desk jobs.

While on the subject, why do bule guys here always make snide eye-rolling comments on how Indonesians never read any books, watch crappy television, and hang out at the mall too much, yet only date poultry-esque women who are barely literate enough to read Cosmopolitan?

At the end of the day, it really does come down to this:  Marry the one person you love having conversations with. The sex won’t be that great after you are sixty anyways.

You know you’re Indonesian fashion designer if you have ever used the following words to name your seasonal collection: “Elegy”, “Rhapsody”, or “Sonata”.

How can you disavow a religion if you never consciously converted?  And no, your dad whispering into your ear or dipping your head in water when you were a baby does *not* count.

“Lho, saya sudah mempelajari yang lain, dan ini yang paling benar”.  Sure dude, you go ahead and tell yourself that if you want.

“Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool.” -Anonymous

If a girl on the ‘net asks you “kamu orang mana?” within the first 30 minutes, no need to ask her the same question.  She’s chinese. Trust me on this one.

My father taught me that both a gold Rolex and a cheap-ass Casio will tell you the same time.  He also told me to stay away from the type of people who say “It’s not about the time it tells, it’s about what it says about you.”

Pembokatus Interruptus:  When the maid walks in.

One of the first things you learn when you work in the fashion industry is that “beauty” and “attractiveness” are two very different things.

Many Indonesians get married out of fear, not because of love. Fear of parents, relatives, society, loneliness, financial insecurity and the ticking clock.

Yes, I realize buying pirated movies and music is wrong.  But after watching “MTV Cribs”, I simply stopped caring.  If you can sit on the toilet, press a button, and a 55” HDTV rises from your bathroom floor, you don’t need my measly rupiahs.

Real men don’t eat rujak. Or quiché, for that matter.